If you are having difficulty in your marriage, then you are probably desperately looking some helpful save marriage tips before things get any worse. Many marriages can be saved, but you need to be willing to look at ways in which you may be contributing to the problems. After all, the only person over whom you have any control in the relationship is you.
Following are three save marriage tips to consider if your marriage is starting to fall apart.
Don’t always put the children first
Many couples, and women in particular, believe that once they have children, the children should come first and foremost. While this is true to some degree, as children are a gift and should be treated as such, you need to be careful to not put them above your marriage. In other words, your spouse needs to be your highest priority.
You may think this first of three save marriage tips is unreasonable. After all, good parents put their children above all else, right? Wrong. When children take a much higher priority than the relationship and the marriage suffers, then the children suffer also. And in some cases, they suffer tremendously. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the chance to grow up in a truly happy home. And the core of a happy home is a loving, healthy marriage.
Providing this for your children will help their self esteem, their emotional wellbeing, and their sense of security. Love and cherish your children, but do the same for you spouse and keep him or her a priority in your life. This is invaluable when it comes to save marriage tips.
Don’t become a workaholic
Career demands can be intense. And at times they can be overwhelming and take up far more time than you like. But if you put all your time and energy into your job and leave nothing for your spouse, your marriage is going to be in trouble as a result.
Men are particularly guilty of this, especially if they are the primary breadwinner in the family. But with more and more women assuming that role, or at least having high-powered, demanding careers themselves, the problem can go either way. Making sure you don’t become a workaholic is one of the most important save marriage tips there is. Lots of couples end up divorcing because one spouse feels the other is married to his or her job. Over time that will take a severe toll.
Pay close attention to your spouse’s needs
The last of the three save marriage tips is to make sure you are taking care of your spouse’s needs. One of the goals of marriage is to meet each other’s needs in many areas, at least to a significant degree. Your spouse’s intimacy and sexual needs, as well as his or her need to feel significant and needed are important needs for you to meet.
It’s so easy for two people to get so busy (with work and kids as discussed above) that their spouse gets neglected in the process. Your spouse may slowly come to resent you. Even worse, he or she may look to find someone else to meet those needs. You must pay attention, and talk to your partner. The more you each discuss your personal needs with each other, the more readily you can fulfill them.
While the list of save marriage tips could go on and on, these are three particularly important ones which can help any couple. If you truly want to save your marriage, then consider if any of the above are the underlying issue.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Save Marriage Stop Divorce
Many couples are looking for ways to save marriage, stop divorce after infidelity has nearly destroyed their marriage. An affair is devastating in many ways. One of the areas it damages the most is that of trust. If your marriage has been impacted by an affair, and trust has been shattered, divorce may seem like the likely outcome initially. But it doesn’t have to go that route if you are willing to do the hard work of getting your marriage back on track.
Many couples do find a way to rebuild trust and get past the incredible hurt and betrayal. In fact, in some cases, the affair serves as a wake up call, and if the appropriate changes are made, the marriage becomes stronger than it ever was before. But in order to save marriage, stop divorce you must first find a way to start rebuilding the trust which was lost. Trust is an absolutely essential component of a healthy marriage. Following are some guidelines to help you get it back.
If you are the person who cheated, you must first be willing to take ownership of your actions. This means you can’t blame anyone else, nor can you excuse it by saying something like, “I’m only human”. In order for your partner to trust you again and save marriage, stop divorce, you have to step up to the plate and accept that it was your choice. Do this regardless of what factors may have influenced you.
Second, you must be willing to answer any questions your spouse may have (and trust me, your spouse is going to demand some answers from you!). Don’t try to hide anything at this point or you will destroy any hope of trust ever coming back into the relationship. This is going to be difficult and painful, and it is going to take courage. But honesty is paramount if you want to save marriage, stop divorce. You’ve already severely blown it; don’t make things even worse by lying now.
Third, if there were things bothering you in the marriage which you feel made you start seeking the comfort or closeness of another person, you need to address those. Doing this does not mean you are trying to excuse your behavior. But it is important that you be honest and up front about any frustration and dissatisfaction you were experiencing. You can only change it if you first acknowledge it. Couples who do successfully get past infidelity and save marriage, stop divorce, make the commitment to work on the problems that made their marriage vulnerable in the first place.
Fourth, be very careful about your actions, particularly around anyone who could be perceived by your spouse as a threat to your relationship. In other words, don’t be spending a lot of time alone with another man (or woman) who is particularly attractive or aggressive or flirtatious. Set good boundaries and make sure you don’t do anything which could be misconstrued by your spouse as questionable behavior on your part. Now more than ever you need to honor the sacred bounds of your marriage if you want to save marriage, stop divorce.
Last of all, keep every promise you make. Whether it is a promise to call at a certain time, or to pick up something from the grocery store, or especially to be home at a certain time, you must follow through. And if something comes up and you are going to be late or can’t call, be sure to let your spouse know as soon as possible.
Your marriage can recover from infidelity. You can save marriage, stop divorce if you show that you are 100% committed in your effort to regain and rebuild the trust that has been damaged. It may be a long uphill road, but if you truly want to save your marriage, then it is well worth the effort.
Many couples do find a way to rebuild trust and get past the incredible hurt and betrayal. In fact, in some cases, the affair serves as a wake up call, and if the appropriate changes are made, the marriage becomes stronger than it ever was before. But in order to save marriage, stop divorce you must first find a way to start rebuilding the trust which was lost. Trust is an absolutely essential component of a healthy marriage. Following are some guidelines to help you get it back.
If you are the person who cheated, you must first be willing to take ownership of your actions. This means you can’t blame anyone else, nor can you excuse it by saying something like, “I’m only human”. In order for your partner to trust you again and save marriage, stop divorce, you have to step up to the plate and accept that it was your choice. Do this regardless of what factors may have influenced you.
Second, you must be willing to answer any questions your spouse may have (and trust me, your spouse is going to demand some answers from you!). Don’t try to hide anything at this point or you will destroy any hope of trust ever coming back into the relationship. This is going to be difficult and painful, and it is going to take courage. But honesty is paramount if you want to save marriage, stop divorce. You’ve already severely blown it; don’t make things even worse by lying now.
Third, if there were things bothering you in the marriage which you feel made you start seeking the comfort or closeness of another person, you need to address those. Doing this does not mean you are trying to excuse your behavior. But it is important that you be honest and up front about any frustration and dissatisfaction you were experiencing. You can only change it if you first acknowledge it. Couples who do successfully get past infidelity and save marriage, stop divorce, make the commitment to work on the problems that made their marriage vulnerable in the first place.
Fourth, be very careful about your actions, particularly around anyone who could be perceived by your spouse as a threat to your relationship. In other words, don’t be spending a lot of time alone with another man (or woman) who is particularly attractive or aggressive or flirtatious. Set good boundaries and make sure you don’t do anything which could be misconstrued by your spouse as questionable behavior on your part. Now more than ever you need to honor the sacred bounds of your marriage if you want to save marriage, stop divorce.
Last of all, keep every promise you make. Whether it is a promise to call at a certain time, or to pick up something from the grocery store, or especially to be home at a certain time, you must follow through. And if something comes up and you are going to be late or can’t call, be sure to let your spouse know as soon as possible.
Your marriage can recover from infidelity. You can save marriage, stop divorce if you show that you are 100% committed in your effort to regain and rebuild the trust that has been damaged. It may be a long uphill road, but if you truly want to save your marriage, then it is well worth the effort.
Save Marriage from Divorce
Considering that the divorce rate has been hovering at or above 50% for a long time now, it is worth putting some very serious thought into ways to save marriage from divorce. Because the couples who fail to do this are the ones most likely to end up as a statistic. If you want to be sure your marriage has the best chance of surviving and not ending up in divorce court, now is the time to pay attention. Following are some very destructive behaviors which need to be avoided if you want to save marriage from divorce.
Keeping score
A marriage is meant to be a true partnership, not a competition in which one or both of you constantly keeps score of what your spouse does or doesn’t do for you. While light-hearted, playful competition is fun, expecting your partner to give you something or do something for you in return for each nice thing you do for him is destructive to the relationship. It creates a power struggle and is usually an attempt to control each other. And it fosters resentment and mistrust; two things that definitely won’t help save marriage from divorce.
For example, if a husband sacrifices a day of golf with his buddies in order to stay home and watch the children while his wife goes shopping, it looks like a kind deed on the surface. However, there is nothing truly kind and giving about it if he holds it over her head as a “debt” when he wants something from her in the future. To save marriage from divorce, doing things for each other must stem from love and caring, not from manipulation, agendas, or “debt”. When that becomes the case, a marriage is in serious trouble.
Nagging at your spouse
Sadly, we learn a lot of unhealthy behaviors from our parents. If you grew up in a home in which one of your parents frequently nagged the other, you may find yourself doing the same thing to your spouse. And I guarantee you your spouse does not like to be nagged.
Nagging is like water constantly dripping on a rock; over time it slowly wears it down. The same thing happens in your marriage when you nag. It slowly pushes your partner away, at least emotionally, creating a rift which can eventually become a chasm too large to repair. If you are prone to nagging, work on stopping this behavior as soon possible to save marriage from divorce.
Verbal abuse
Words can be extremely destructive, particularly in a marriage. If you are prone to losing your temper and saying ugly, hurtful or vicious things to your partner, you need to change this behavior immediately. Verbal abuse will eventually take an emotional toll on your spouse. While you may feel they are “just words” and forget that you even said them a day or two later, your spouse definitely will not forget.
The sting of verbal abuse can go deep, and cruel words can be very difficult to forget for the person who is on the receiving end. If you are having marriage problems and truly want to save marriage from divorce, verbal abuse of any kind must stop immediately.
These are just a few of many things that can eventually tear a couple apart. Each behavior is not only destructive, it is also incredibly disrespectful. If you really desire to have a happy, healthy marriage and save marriage from divorce, ask yourself if you are doing anything destructive to the relationship similar to the above. If so, do whatever it takes to begin to make some changes. Your marriage will definitely benefit if you do!
Keeping score
A marriage is meant to be a true partnership, not a competition in which one or both of you constantly keeps score of what your spouse does or doesn’t do for you. While light-hearted, playful competition is fun, expecting your partner to give you something or do something for you in return for each nice thing you do for him is destructive to the relationship. It creates a power struggle and is usually an attempt to control each other. And it fosters resentment and mistrust; two things that definitely won’t help save marriage from divorce.
For example, if a husband sacrifices a day of golf with his buddies in order to stay home and watch the children while his wife goes shopping, it looks like a kind deed on the surface. However, there is nothing truly kind and giving about it if he holds it over her head as a “debt” when he wants something from her in the future. To save marriage from divorce, doing things for each other must stem from love and caring, not from manipulation, agendas, or “debt”. When that becomes the case, a marriage is in serious trouble.
Nagging at your spouse
Sadly, we learn a lot of unhealthy behaviors from our parents. If you grew up in a home in which one of your parents frequently nagged the other, you may find yourself doing the same thing to your spouse. And I guarantee you your spouse does not like to be nagged.
Nagging is like water constantly dripping on a rock; over time it slowly wears it down. The same thing happens in your marriage when you nag. It slowly pushes your partner away, at least emotionally, creating a rift which can eventually become a chasm too large to repair. If you are prone to nagging, work on stopping this behavior as soon possible to save marriage from divorce.
Verbal abuse
Words can be extremely destructive, particularly in a marriage. If you are prone to losing your temper and saying ugly, hurtful or vicious things to your partner, you need to change this behavior immediately. Verbal abuse will eventually take an emotional toll on your spouse. While you may feel they are “just words” and forget that you even said them a day or two later, your spouse definitely will not forget.
The sting of verbal abuse can go deep, and cruel words can be very difficult to forget for the person who is on the receiving end. If you are having marriage problems and truly want to save marriage from divorce, verbal abuse of any kind must stop immediately.
These are just a few of many things that can eventually tear a couple apart. Each behavior is not only destructive, it is also incredibly disrespectful. If you really desire to have a happy, healthy marriage and save marriage from divorce, ask yourself if you are doing anything destructive to the relationship similar to the above. If so, do whatever it takes to begin to make some changes. Your marriage will definitely benefit if you do!
Saving My Marriage
If the primary concern going through your head these days is “what am I going to do about saving my marriage”, you are definitely not alone. At any given time thousands of couples are struggling with marital difficulties. Many are in a full blown marital crisis or have already given up and filed for divorce. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Allow me to share with you some steps I took to get my marriage back on track when, like you, all I could think about was saving my marriage.
Change expectations
When my marriage was falling apart I had to realize that if saving my marriage was truly important to me, then perhaps I needed to start by changing my expectations. I was young and naïve when I got married. I had all sorts of unrealistic expectations about marriage which were creating problems. Following were a few of them which I had to change:
• A good marriage should never have conflict
• My spouse should know me so well that I don’t need to say out loud what I’m feeling inside – if I’m upset, he should just know why
• There should always be lots of romance and excitement in our marriage
I wish I could say that is the entire list, but for the moment I will just share those. As you can see, I had expectations which were impossible for even the best marriage to live up to.
Be a giver not a taker
Another area which I really needed to change for the sake of saving my marriage was to stop always being a taker. While I didn’t mean to be, I began to realize that I was often very selfish in the relationship. I expected my spouse to give and give, but I wasn’t really giving much in return. I had to really step back and recognize that I couldn’t take my spouse for granted; that I needed to let go of my self-centered tendencies and start looking for ways to be much more giving to my spouse.
Build up my spouse’s self-esteem
One of the areas I had really let my spouse down was by not truly building up her self-esteem. I had just naively assumed that she never needed that from me. She had so many wonderful qualities. I rarely said or did anything affirming, because I thought she didn’t need it from me. Needless to say, when I really started focusing on saving my marriage, building up her self-esteem became a top priority.
Be supportive
One of the key areas I really needed to focus on with regards to saving my marriage was to be much more supportive of my spouse. I had foolishly taken her strengths and self-confidence for granted. I didn’t realize just how much she longed for my support, comfort and reassurance
Saving my marriage became a high priority for me. As I worked on each of these three areas I found that my spouse was responding by giving me more of the same in return. I had been neglecting my marriage for a long time. Hopefully, you will stop neglecting yours and begin taking some powerful steps. For me, it took time and effort, but it was well worth it. I hope it is for you also!
Change expectations
When my marriage was falling apart I had to realize that if saving my marriage was truly important to me, then perhaps I needed to start by changing my expectations. I was young and naïve when I got married. I had all sorts of unrealistic expectations about marriage which were creating problems. Following were a few of them which I had to change:
• A good marriage should never have conflict
• My spouse should know me so well that I don’t need to say out loud what I’m feeling inside – if I’m upset, he should just know why
• There should always be lots of romance and excitement in our marriage
I wish I could say that is the entire list, but for the moment I will just share those. As you can see, I had expectations which were impossible for even the best marriage to live up to.
Be a giver not a taker
Another area which I really needed to change for the sake of saving my marriage was to stop always being a taker. While I didn’t mean to be, I began to realize that I was often very selfish in the relationship. I expected my spouse to give and give, but I wasn’t really giving much in return. I had to really step back and recognize that I couldn’t take my spouse for granted; that I needed to let go of my self-centered tendencies and start looking for ways to be much more giving to my spouse.
Build up my spouse’s self-esteem
One of the areas I had really let my spouse down was by not truly building up her self-esteem. I had just naively assumed that she never needed that from me. She had so many wonderful qualities. I rarely said or did anything affirming, because I thought she didn’t need it from me. Needless to say, when I really started focusing on saving my marriage, building up her self-esteem became a top priority.
Be supportive
One of the key areas I really needed to focus on with regards to saving my marriage was to be much more supportive of my spouse. I had foolishly taken her strengths and self-confidence for granted. I didn’t realize just how much she longed for my support, comfort and reassurance
Saving my marriage became a high priority for me. As I worked on each of these three areas I found that my spouse was responding by giving me more of the same in return. I had been neglecting my marriage for a long time. Hopefully, you will stop neglecting yours and begin taking some powerful steps. For me, it took time and effort, but it was well worth it. I hope it is for you also!
Sexless Marriage
According to recent surveys in the USA, nearly 20 million couples have a sexless marriage. Relationship experts define this type of marriage as one in which the couple engages in sexual intimacy no more than ten times in a year. For some couples, that type of situation may actually suit them just fine, but for the majority, it is a problem, and a serious one at that.
Sex is a very important part of marriage, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise, is foolish. When a marriage is devoid of sexual intimacy, it can stir some challenging emotions for one or both partners. Frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, and sadness are some of those emotions. Also, a sexless marriage is particularly vulnerable to infidelity, and ultimately, divorce.
If you are living in a sexless marriage, following are some of the reasons it may be happening. If you can determine the underlying issue (assuming you don’t know what it is) then you can work towards finding a solution.
For men, there are a variety of reasons why they have either lost interest in sex itself or lost desire for their wife. Some of the most reasons why men are the ones creating a sexless marriage are:
• His wife doesn’t like to be adventurous when it comes to sex
• His wife doesn’t really enjoy having sex
• His wife doesn’t turn him on – he is no longer attracted to her
• His wife has gained a lot of weight
• He has erectile dysfunction
• He is involved in an affair
• He’s bored in the relationship
For women, some of the problems are similar, but there are often some different reasons they may be creating a sexless marriage as well:
• Her husband treats her like an object – to her, sex feels like it is all about him
• She likes more traditional sex; he wants to do things she’s not comfortable with
• Her husband has let himself go and she is no longer attracted to him
• She’s angry at her husband
• She’s depressed
• She has a difficult time reaching orgasm
There are many other reasons for both men and women, but those are just a few that are often reported.
So what are some things you can do if you have found yourself co-existing with your spouse in a sexless marriage?
First, it is imperative that you open up the lines of communication. Not talking about it is like ignoring the very large elephant in the room in most cases. Continuing to ignore it or tiptoe around it is only going to result in the two of you growing further apart over time.
Sex is a powerful way to connect with each other, but particularly for men. While women are generally more comfortable talking about their feelings and expressing love in a variety of ways, many men show love and affection via sex. If yours is a sexless marriage, that connection is likely to wane, if not disappear altogether. Talking is very important to address the issue as well as to determine the best course of action to take.
Second, as you talk, determine in what ways each of you can compromise so that the relationship is sexually satisfying to both of you. If the problem, for example, is that one of you is much more adventurous than the other, perhaps you can find some middle ground which is mutually satisfying to both of you.
Third, if anger, bitterness or resentment is resulting in a sexless marriage, you must both be willing to get to the bottom of that issue and work through it. It may be that you need a therapist to help you, but one way or the other, letting go of angry or hurt feelings is vital to getting your marriage back on track. True intimacy cannot occur when hostility is present. The sooner you can forgive and let go, the sooner you can begin to have an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.
Sex is a very important part of marriage, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise, is foolish. When a marriage is devoid of sexual intimacy, it can stir some challenging emotions for one or both partners. Frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, and sadness are some of those emotions. Also, a sexless marriage is particularly vulnerable to infidelity, and ultimately, divorce.
If you are living in a sexless marriage, following are some of the reasons it may be happening. If you can determine the underlying issue (assuming you don’t know what it is) then you can work towards finding a solution.
For men, there are a variety of reasons why they have either lost interest in sex itself or lost desire for their wife. Some of the most reasons why men are the ones creating a sexless marriage are:
• His wife doesn’t like to be adventurous when it comes to sex
• His wife doesn’t really enjoy having sex
• His wife doesn’t turn him on – he is no longer attracted to her
• His wife has gained a lot of weight
• He has erectile dysfunction
• He is involved in an affair
• He’s bored in the relationship
For women, some of the problems are similar, but there are often some different reasons they may be creating a sexless marriage as well:
• Her husband treats her like an object – to her, sex feels like it is all about him
• She likes more traditional sex; he wants to do things she’s not comfortable with
• Her husband has let himself go and she is no longer attracted to him
• She’s angry at her husband
• She’s depressed
• She has a difficult time reaching orgasm
There are many other reasons for both men and women, but those are just a few that are often reported.
So what are some things you can do if you have found yourself co-existing with your spouse in a sexless marriage?
First, it is imperative that you open up the lines of communication. Not talking about it is like ignoring the very large elephant in the room in most cases. Continuing to ignore it or tiptoe around it is only going to result in the two of you growing further apart over time.
Sex is a powerful way to connect with each other, but particularly for men. While women are generally more comfortable talking about their feelings and expressing love in a variety of ways, many men show love and affection via sex. If yours is a sexless marriage, that connection is likely to wane, if not disappear altogether. Talking is very important to address the issue as well as to determine the best course of action to take.
Second, as you talk, determine in what ways each of you can compromise so that the relationship is sexually satisfying to both of you. If the problem, for example, is that one of you is much more adventurous than the other, perhaps you can find some middle ground which is mutually satisfying to both of you.
Third, if anger, bitterness or resentment is resulting in a sexless marriage, you must both be willing to get to the bottom of that issue and work through it. It may be that you need a therapist to help you, but one way or the other, letting go of angry or hurt feelings is vital to getting your marriage back on track. True intimacy cannot occur when hostility is present. The sooner you can forgive and let go, the sooner you can begin to have an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Help for Marriage
Quite often when couples are seeking help for marriage, it is because their marriage is starting to crumble. It may be that one spouse has been unfaithful. It may also be because there has been a significant amount of conflict, often turning into awful fights. Other times it may be because you have slowly grown very distant from each other, and you know if something doesn’t change soon, the marriage is going to unravel altogether. Fortunately, there is help for marriage if you are both willing to make the commitment to work through the problem, no matter what it is. This can feel impossible at times, particularly if there has been an affair or other type of betrayal. Hurt feelings can go very deep. And one of you may be more reluctant to try to work things out if trust has been damaged.
Many couples do get their marriages back on track, even under pretty challenging circumstances. Sometimes a crisis can be a much needed wake up call, making one or both of you recognize the necessity of getting help for marriage so you can heal the wounds. Quite often, if you can get through the process of healing, you will find that you are closer than ever before.
There are many ways you can show each other that you are truly serious and 100% devoted to making the marriage work. Following are just a few of the ways you can do this:
Make your marriage your number one priority.
Careers, children, volunteer work and other family are certainly all very important parts of each of your lives. But when you have reached a crisis point and need help for marriage, you must first be willing to put your marital relationship above everything else in your life.
All too often work and children get all your time and energy and there is simply nothing left for the marriage. Sadly, your children will suffer as a result. You owe it to them to have a happy, healthy marriage to make them feel secure and to give them good role models. And, the happier your marriage, the happier home life will be for your children.
Be open to marriage counseling if needed
Sometimes couples get stuck and simply can’t work it out without some outside help for marriage. While marital therapy isn’t right for everyone, it is definitely worth trying. A skilled marriage counselor can help you find ways to communicate better, break unhealthy patterns and develop new ones, and put things in a new perspective.
If your spouse feels a strong need for the two of you to get counseling, show your commitment by being willing to give it a try. If you are unwilling to go, that will likely convey that you aren’t truly committed to the marriage after all. Your spouse may feel resentment, and there will be even more problems in your relationship.
Make a commitment to focus on everything you love and appreciate about each other.
When you need help for marriage, remember the saying “what you focus on expands”. This is very true in relationships. If you focus on your spouse’s faults, you will end up bringing out the worst in him. If you want to bring out the best in someone, you must frequently show appreciation for the qualities you really value. In turn, your spouse will be more inclined to show those qualities more.
These are just three ways to show commitment to your marriage. While there are many more ways, these three will go along way when you need help for marriage. The more commitment each of you shows, the more motivated you will be to work together on your relationship.
Find Marriage Counselor
It is a rare married couple who doesn’t experience some turmoil in their relationship, so if your marriage is going through a challenging time, know that you are definitely not alone. You may be wondering whether or not it is time to find marriage counselor in order to help you find solutions before things get any worse. Many couples do seek out professional help because trying to navigate the emotional ups and downs on their own can feel too difficult or overwhelming.
So how do you decide if it is time to find marriage counselor to help your struggling marriage? Following are some things to consider as to when, as well as how to go about finding the right one for you.
First, if you and your spouse have good communication and have a history of being able to eventually work things out, you may be able to do so again with out the help of therapy. Being able to talk things through without attacking, blaming, or getting overly emotional is a great skill. If this is the case, you may not need to find marriage counselor. Unfortunately though, many couples lack that skill. As they attempt to discuss and work on the issues affecting their marriage, they end up making things worse. Hurtful words can be very difficult to forget once said.
One of the primary goals of marriage therapy is to facilitate open and productive communication. Learning to talk to each other in a manner which is calm, respectful and beneficial to the relationship can make a significant difference in terms of whether or not you are able to get past the current challenges. If the ability to communicate well is clearly lacking in your marriage, especially despite your best efforts, then it is definitely time to find marriage counselor who can help you.
Second, if part of your marital problems are due to one (or both) of you having a mental health issue, such as depression, or if either one of you has an addiction, such as gambling or alcohol, working through your issues alone is not likely to be successful. This is definitely a situation in which you should find marriage counselor to not only work with you, but to help you both understand the impact of the mental health issue or the addiction. Also, the counselor can make treatment recommendations for the spouse with that additional issue.
Third, if after much effort you and your spouse have continued to remain stuck in whatever problems have been afflicting your marriage, it is time to find marriage counselor to help you get unstuck. Sometimes when we are in an emotionally charged situation it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain any type of perspective or objectivity. A good marriage counselor can help you do this, which will in turn help you begin to make process rather than continue to stay stuck.
Last of all, if your relationship has become extremely emotionally volatile, it is unlikely you are going to make progress on your own. In fact, the situation will likely escalate until it completely tears your apart. This is definitely another indicator that to find marriage counselor is one of the best things you can do if you hope to keep your marriage intact and learn ways to manage the extreme emotions one or both of you are battling.
So how do you decide if it is time to find marriage counselor to help your struggling marriage? Following are some things to consider as to when, as well as how to go about finding the right one for you.
First, if you and your spouse have good communication and have a history of being able to eventually work things out, you may be able to do so again with out the help of therapy. Being able to talk things through without attacking, blaming, or getting overly emotional is a great skill. If this is the case, you may not need to find marriage counselor. Unfortunately though, many couples lack that skill. As they attempt to discuss and work on the issues affecting their marriage, they end up making things worse. Hurtful words can be very difficult to forget once said.
One of the primary goals of marriage therapy is to facilitate open and productive communication. Learning to talk to each other in a manner which is calm, respectful and beneficial to the relationship can make a significant difference in terms of whether or not you are able to get past the current challenges. If the ability to communicate well is clearly lacking in your marriage, especially despite your best efforts, then it is definitely time to find marriage counselor who can help you.
Second, if part of your marital problems are due to one (or both) of you having a mental health issue, such as depression, or if either one of you has an addiction, such as gambling or alcohol, working through your issues alone is not likely to be successful. This is definitely a situation in which you should find marriage counselor to not only work with you, but to help you both understand the impact of the mental health issue or the addiction. Also, the counselor can make treatment recommendations for the spouse with that additional issue.
Third, if after much effort you and your spouse have continued to remain stuck in whatever problems have been afflicting your marriage, it is time to find marriage counselor to help you get unstuck. Sometimes when we are in an emotionally charged situation it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain any type of perspective or objectivity. A good marriage counselor can help you do this, which will in turn help you begin to make process rather than continue to stay stuck.
Last of all, if your relationship has become extremely emotionally volatile, it is unlikely you are going to make progress on your own. In fact, the situation will likely escalate until it completely tears your apart. This is definitely another indicator that to find marriage counselor is one of the best things you can do if you hope to keep your marriage intact and learn ways to manage the extreme emotions one or both of you are battling.
Family and Marriage Therapy Programs
If you are looking for a low cost alternative to expensive marriage therapy from a private professional, you may want to look to see if any colleges or universities in your area offer family and marriage therapy programs.
Therapy can be very expensive when you are paying anywhere from $80 to $150 per hour for a licensed clinician. Many couples don’t have an extra several hundred dollars a month in their budget to cover that type of expense, no matter how much they need the help. Family and marriage therapy programs offered by colleges and universities are usually much less expensive and thus much more affordable.
These programs provide valuable services to people in many ways. Not only do they conduct ongoing research on important topics, they also provide supervised student training. The therapy or counseling services offered by these family and marriage therapy programs typically utilize graduate students who are getting a degree in clinical psychology, general counseling, clinical social work or marriage and family counseling.
The students are not yet licensed, but are providing therapy in order to gain clinical experience which is required by most, if not all, graduate programs. They work under the supervision of a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist or social worker. As they work with you as a client, they discuss your progress and any concerns or questions they have with their supervisor. This both protects you as a client and also ensures that you are getting quality therapy.
Some family and marriage therapy programs may require that you fall within a particular household income range in order to qualify. They also are usually only available to you if you do not have any type of health insurance which covers outpatient mental health services. In some programs there may be no fee at all, but many do require a fee for services. Part of the reason for this is because people are generally more committed to and invested in the counseling or therapy process if there is a cost to them. When services are free they are often devalued by the client.
Many family and marriage therapy programs have a facility that is separate from the college or university. But others offer the services right there on the campus. Confidentiality is required just as it is with any other type of mental health or medical care.
If you are reluctant to get help through one of these family and marriage therapy programs because you don’t think a student-in-training can help you, you may be short changing yourself out of a very valuable service. Graduate students are not only eager to learn, they are not yet burned out by the profession like some seasoned clinicians who have been doing therapy for years. Also, many graduate students are often very aware of and informed about the most recent advances in treatment for a variety of disorders, which may be to your advantage. So it is definitely worth making a call to see if there is a program in your area, and if you qualify. You will never know unless you try, and if your marriage is in crisis, isn’t it better to thoroughly check out all your options rather than just discount them? If you qualify, at least give it a chance. You may be surprised at how much benefit you may get out of it.
Therapy can be very expensive when you are paying anywhere from $80 to $150 per hour for a licensed clinician. Many couples don’t have an extra several hundred dollars a month in their budget to cover that type of expense, no matter how much they need the help. Family and marriage therapy programs offered by colleges and universities are usually much less expensive and thus much more affordable.
These programs provide valuable services to people in many ways. Not only do they conduct ongoing research on important topics, they also provide supervised student training. The therapy or counseling services offered by these family and marriage therapy programs typically utilize graduate students who are getting a degree in clinical psychology, general counseling, clinical social work or marriage and family counseling.
The students are not yet licensed, but are providing therapy in order to gain clinical experience which is required by most, if not all, graduate programs. They work under the supervision of a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist or social worker. As they work with you as a client, they discuss your progress and any concerns or questions they have with their supervisor. This both protects you as a client and also ensures that you are getting quality therapy.
Some family and marriage therapy programs may require that you fall within a particular household income range in order to qualify. They also are usually only available to you if you do not have any type of health insurance which covers outpatient mental health services. In some programs there may be no fee at all, but many do require a fee for services. Part of the reason for this is because people are generally more committed to and invested in the counseling or therapy process if there is a cost to them. When services are free they are often devalued by the client.
Many family and marriage therapy programs have a facility that is separate from the college or university. But others offer the services right there on the campus. Confidentiality is required just as it is with any other type of mental health or medical care.
If you are reluctant to get help through one of these family and marriage therapy programs because you don’t think a student-in-training can help you, you may be short changing yourself out of a very valuable service. Graduate students are not only eager to learn, they are not yet burned out by the profession like some seasoned clinicians who have been doing therapy for years. Also, many graduate students are often very aware of and informed about the most recent advances in treatment for a variety of disorders, which may be to your advantage. So it is definitely worth making a call to see if there is a program in your area, and if you qualify. You will never know unless you try, and if your marriage is in crisis, isn’t it better to thoroughly check out all your options rather than just discount them? If you qualify, at least give it a chance. You may be surprised at how much benefit you may get out of it.
Does Marriage Counseling Work
If you and your spouse are going through a difficult time in your marriage, you may be considering marital therapy. But you also may be reluctant to pursue it if you are wondering, does marriage counseling work? Well, there is no definitive answer to that as the success of any type of counseling always depends on many different factors. Many couples do find it to be extremely beneficial to their relationship. Others feel it was useless or helped very little. This article explores some of the factors that are necessary to answer “yes” to the question, “Does marriage counseling work?”.
You both are committed to working on the relationship
An essential factor for any type of therapy or counseling to be effective is that the person receiving it must be committed to the process and to improving the situation. For couples, if only one of you is committed to working through your relationship problems while the other is resistant, the answer to the question, “does marriage counseling work?” is more than likely going to be “no”.
Counseling is a collaborative process between the client and the therapist. The greatest marriage counselor on the planet is going to have limited success with someone who has no desire to truly work on the relationship. It has to be a two way street. Sometimes resistance to the therapy process can be overcome, particularly with an exceptionally experienced and skilled therapist, but it will be very difficult.
You have a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable
Another key factor with regards to the question, “does marriage counseling work?” is whether or not you have a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable. No therapist is a good fit for everyone. If this is the case, you and your spouse would be better off to find a different therapist to work with. Too much is at stake to try to force a therapeutic relationship that doesn’t feel right for both of you.
You are both willing to do the work
Talking in and of itself will only go so far in terms of bringing about the desired changes in your relationship. While it can be helpful to have a safe place to discuss your feelings and concerns, there needs to be more. Many therapists will give you exercises or homework to do between sessions. These exercises help to reinforce what you are learning in therapy and give you an opportunity to practice new skills which you can discuss each week. The more you and your spouse participate and do the work, the more likely the answer to your question, “does marriage counseling work?” will be yes.
Sticking with it and tolerating the pain
Two other very crucial elements in terms of the question, “does marriage counseling work” are:
• You stick with it
• You are willing to tolerate things getting worse before they get better
A lot of people drop out of counseling at some point. They get discouraged or don’t like the process and assume the answer to, “does marriage counseling work?” is “no”.
One of the main reasons people drop out is because things often get worse before they improve. A good therapist will prepare you for this upfront. Marriage counseling is going to open up some wounds and address some painful issues. Initially, that can seem to create even more pain. But it is akin to the necessity of cleaning out an infected wound so it can finally heal. The cleaning process is painful, but it must happen or the wound will never go away.
If each of these factors is present for you and your spouse, then the answer to the question, “does marriage counseling work?”, is very often a resounding yes. It is not going to be easy, and it may be a lengthy process. But if you really want your marriage to be healthy and strong, the rewards are definitely worth it!
You both are committed to working on the relationship
An essential factor for any type of therapy or counseling to be effective is that the person receiving it must be committed to the process and to improving the situation. For couples, if only one of you is committed to working through your relationship problems while the other is resistant, the answer to the question, “does marriage counseling work?” is more than likely going to be “no”.
Counseling is a collaborative process between the client and the therapist. The greatest marriage counselor on the planet is going to have limited success with someone who has no desire to truly work on the relationship. It has to be a two way street. Sometimes resistance to the therapy process can be overcome, particularly with an exceptionally experienced and skilled therapist, but it will be very difficult.
You have a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable
Another key factor with regards to the question, “does marriage counseling work?” is whether or not you have a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable. No therapist is a good fit for everyone. If this is the case, you and your spouse would be better off to find a different therapist to work with. Too much is at stake to try to force a therapeutic relationship that doesn’t feel right for both of you.
You are both willing to do the work
Talking in and of itself will only go so far in terms of bringing about the desired changes in your relationship. While it can be helpful to have a safe place to discuss your feelings and concerns, there needs to be more. Many therapists will give you exercises or homework to do between sessions. These exercises help to reinforce what you are learning in therapy and give you an opportunity to practice new skills which you can discuss each week. The more you and your spouse participate and do the work, the more likely the answer to your question, “does marriage counseling work?” will be yes.
Sticking with it and tolerating the pain
Two other very crucial elements in terms of the question, “does marriage counseling work” are:
• You stick with it
• You are willing to tolerate things getting worse before they get better
A lot of people drop out of counseling at some point. They get discouraged or don’t like the process and assume the answer to, “does marriage counseling work?” is “no”.
One of the main reasons people drop out is because things often get worse before they improve. A good therapist will prepare you for this upfront. Marriage counseling is going to open up some wounds and address some painful issues. Initially, that can seem to create even more pain. But it is akin to the necessity of cleaning out an infected wound so it can finally heal. The cleaning process is painful, but it must happen or the wound will never go away.
If each of these factors is present for you and your spouse, then the answer to the question, “does marriage counseling work?”, is very often a resounding yes. It is not going to be easy, and it may be a lengthy process. But if you really want your marriage to be healthy and strong, the rewards are definitely worth it!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Counseling for Marriage
Many couples reach a point in their marriage when they feel they are at an impasse. They may have tried to overcome a serious problem or crisis on their own, and realized over time that perhaps getting counseling for marriage problems they are experiencing is a better approach. And while counseling won’t help every marriage, it does help many couples every day. For some marriages, it has not only helped, it has kept the couple from ending up in divorce court.
So, how do you determine if marriage counseling is something you and your spouse should pursue? You may be thinking that there is no way you want to air your dirty laundry in front of a total stranger, no matter how difficult things are right now. You may also be feeling that counseling for marriage is far too expensive. This article will address these two frequent concerns and provide you with some things to consider if you are trying to decide whether to seek professional help for your situation.
I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our problems.
This is a common objection with which many people struggle when the idea of counseling for marriage is being considered. What you need to realize is that one of the reasons marital therapy can be very helpful is because the therapist, as a stranger, is in a neutral and objective position.
If you have tried to talk to or seek advice from family or friends, you have probably found that they are too close to the situation to be helpful. They may have an emotional bias which makes it difficult to keep perspective regarding your situation. This in turn will color any advice they may try to offer. In some cases, talking to family members or close friends can make the situation even worse.
This is one reason why counseling for marriage can be very helpful. Once you start developing a rapport with the therapist, you will likely appreciate how safe it actually feels to discuss your problems with someone who isn’t going to take sides and who can look at your situation from a fresh perspective.
Counseling is too expensive.
Therapy does cost money. You are paying for a highly trained professional to provide a valuable service. However, you need to consider how much more expensive getting a divorce will be. For the cost of a divorce, not to mention all the pain and grief that often accompany it, counseling for marriage is usually much less expensive – in fact, often by thousands of dollars. When you look at it like this you may reconsider the objection that you can’t afford it. And there may be some options if finances are truly an issue.
In many cities there are clinics which offer counseling services for a reduced fee either based on income qualifications, or because the therapists are graduate students under supervision. Also, you don’t necessarily have to go weekly. You may be able to go every other week, which will make counseling for marriage more affordable for you as you reduce the overall monthly cost by spreading the appointments out a bit.
Both of these objections to counseling for marriage are very common. You are not alone if they have crossed your mind. But if your marriage has reached a crisis point hopefully you will carefully weigh the alternatives if you do not get some help.
So, how do you determine if marriage counseling is something you and your spouse should pursue? You may be thinking that there is no way you want to air your dirty laundry in front of a total stranger, no matter how difficult things are right now. You may also be feeling that counseling for marriage is far too expensive. This article will address these two frequent concerns and provide you with some things to consider if you are trying to decide whether to seek professional help for your situation.
I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our problems.
This is a common objection with which many people struggle when the idea of counseling for marriage is being considered. What you need to realize is that one of the reasons marital therapy can be very helpful is because the therapist, as a stranger, is in a neutral and objective position.
If you have tried to talk to or seek advice from family or friends, you have probably found that they are too close to the situation to be helpful. They may have an emotional bias which makes it difficult to keep perspective regarding your situation. This in turn will color any advice they may try to offer. In some cases, talking to family members or close friends can make the situation even worse.
This is one reason why counseling for marriage can be very helpful. Once you start developing a rapport with the therapist, you will likely appreciate how safe it actually feels to discuss your problems with someone who isn’t going to take sides and who can look at your situation from a fresh perspective.
Counseling is too expensive.
Therapy does cost money. You are paying for a highly trained professional to provide a valuable service. However, you need to consider how much more expensive getting a divorce will be. For the cost of a divorce, not to mention all the pain and grief that often accompany it, counseling for marriage is usually much less expensive – in fact, often by thousands of dollars. When you look at it like this you may reconsider the objection that you can’t afford it. And there may be some options if finances are truly an issue.
In many cities there are clinics which offer counseling services for a reduced fee either based on income qualifications, or because the therapists are graduate students under supervision. Also, you don’t necessarily have to go weekly. You may be able to go every other week, which will make counseling for marriage more affordable for you as you reduce the overall monthly cost by spreading the appointments out a bit.
Both of these objections to counseling for marriage are very common. You are not alone if they have crossed your mind. But if your marriage has reached a crisis point hopefully you will carefully weigh the alternatives if you do not get some help.
Common Marriage Problems
For many couples, there are common marriage problems which often start to creep into the relationship over time. If you are feeling that your marriage isn’t what it should be, or what you thought it would be when you first walked down the aisle, you are not alone. Millions of couples grapple with relationship issues, often feeling that the problems are unique to their relationship. This can lead to feelings of embarrassment and / or loneliness, when it doesn’t need to.
So let’s take a look at three common marriage problems which many couples find themselves facing. All of these can start out seeming fairly minor, but if they continue over a long time and aren’t dealt with, they can have a very negative impact on a marriage.
Feeling like you have “fallen out of love” with each other
When you were first dating your spouse, and probably even when you stood in front of your family and friends and said your vows, you felt “head over heels in love” with each other. For most couples, that giddy feeling doesn’t last over the years. In fact, for many, once the reality of day to day married life sinks in it starts to fade. Your lives become one of routine, which is perfectly normal. The demands of your work or careers, children and mortgages can take up all of your time and energy. And if you are like some couples, you basically start living like roommates and nothing more. While that scenario is fairly common, marriage problems like this can eventually lead to an affair or a divorce.
Taking each other for granted
Another one of the most common marriage problems is that many couples start taking each other for granted. To some degree, it is human nature to take for granted that which is always there. But in relationships, this can lead to a slow, simmering resentment for one or both of you. Everyone longs to feel loved, cherished, and appreciated. After all, that was a big part of the reason you got married in the first place. No one feels loved when they are taken for granted. When it reaches the point of devaluing each other and failing to regard the relationship as sacred or special, it can be very damaging. Sadly, what often happens is that you don’t even realize just how serious it is until the other person is gone.
Failure to really talk to each other
Poor communication or the failure to really talk to each other is probably one of the most common marriage problems many couples face. Learning to communicate well is a skill many people lack. Others have the skill and may be great communicators in their career, but struggle with communicating with their spouse. This is particularly true if one or both of you grew up in a home where poor communication was the norm. You talk superficially but avoid discussing problems or issues as they arise. Some people just find it easier to avoid any conflict. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and in time will take a toll on your relationship if something doesn’t change.
If you and your spouse are struggling with any one of these common marriage problems, there is hope. The first step is always acknowledging the problem. The sooner you recognize the problem and take action though, the better!
So let’s take a look at three common marriage problems which many couples find themselves facing. All of these can start out seeming fairly minor, but if they continue over a long time and aren’t dealt with, they can have a very negative impact on a marriage.
Feeling like you have “fallen out of love” with each other
When you were first dating your spouse, and probably even when you stood in front of your family and friends and said your vows, you felt “head over heels in love” with each other. For most couples, that giddy feeling doesn’t last over the years. In fact, for many, once the reality of day to day married life sinks in it starts to fade. Your lives become one of routine, which is perfectly normal. The demands of your work or careers, children and mortgages can take up all of your time and energy. And if you are like some couples, you basically start living like roommates and nothing more. While that scenario is fairly common, marriage problems like this can eventually lead to an affair or a divorce.
Taking each other for granted
Another one of the most common marriage problems is that many couples start taking each other for granted. To some degree, it is human nature to take for granted that which is always there. But in relationships, this can lead to a slow, simmering resentment for one or both of you. Everyone longs to feel loved, cherished, and appreciated. After all, that was a big part of the reason you got married in the first place. No one feels loved when they are taken for granted. When it reaches the point of devaluing each other and failing to regard the relationship as sacred or special, it can be very damaging. Sadly, what often happens is that you don’t even realize just how serious it is until the other person is gone.
Failure to really talk to each other
Poor communication or the failure to really talk to each other is probably one of the most common marriage problems many couples face. Learning to communicate well is a skill many people lack. Others have the skill and may be great communicators in their career, but struggle with communicating with their spouse. This is particularly true if one or both of you grew up in a home where poor communication was the norm. You talk superficially but avoid discussing problems or issues as they arise. Some people just find it easier to avoid any conflict. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and in time will take a toll on your relationship if something doesn’t change.
If you and your spouse are struggling with any one of these common marriage problems, there is hope. The first step is always acknowledging the problem. The sooner you recognize the problem and take action though, the better!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)