Marriage and Family Counseling

If you are having some difficulties in your marriage, or perhaps your family is in crisis, marriage and family counseling can be very beneficial.  While it may initially seem a bit uncomfortable to discuss your problems with a total stranger, if you find a therapist which is a good fit and is good at what he or she does, you will very likely be glad you decided to make the investment. 

Keep in mind, though, that for marriage and family counseling to be helpful, you have to be willing to make some changes in your life.  It won’t be helpful if you merely use it as a place to vent or if you expect the therapist to do all of the work for you.  Nor will it be helpful unless you each take responsibility for your contribution to the problem or issue at hand, because rarely is a problem entirely due to one person. 

Following are some of the many ways in which marriage and family counseling can help, if you are ready and willing to do some work.   

Improve communication

Poor communication or lack of communication is often at the core of most marital problems, as well as family problems.  We all grew up learning ways to communicate, but we didn’t necessarily learn to do it effectively.  When things are going well, talking is easy.  But the true test of good communication is when there is conflict. 

In marriage and family counseling, the therapist can help you find ways to communicate better with each other.  This not only includes learning how to better express things such as needs, wants, or concerns, but also how to better listen to each other.  Conflict is normal whenever two or more people live in the same household. 

Unfortunately a lot of couples and families do not handle conflict well, and even relatively minor problems can quickly escalate. As a result they become seemingly insurmountable issues when communication completely breaks down or becomes hostile.  Improving communication is the core of dealing effectively with all other issues. 

Learn to choose your battles

Marriage and family counseling can also really help you learn to choose your battles.  Life is going to be full of stressful and irritating things.  That’s normal.  But where many couples and families get into trouble is when they let everything become a huge ordeal.  A good therapist can help you determine what the real issues are, while helping your learn to recognize which ones really aren’t a big deal.  Learning this will go a long way towards a more peaceful home environment.  

Create new patterns of interaction

As humans, we are creatures of habit.  As a result we get into patterns of interacting with our spouse and family members which can be unhealthy.  At times, they can even be destructive and hurtful.  Sometimes we don’t even realize the damage we are doing until someone objective, such as a therapist, points it out. 

Marriage and family counseling is geared towards creating new and healthier ways of interacting with each other.  As the saying goes, if you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same result.  But a skilled therapist can show you better ways to get the desired result in your relationship. 

Hopefully you can see how marriage and family counseling might be very beneficial.  Every couple and family has occasional struggles.  Going to a therapist doesn’t mean you are weak or a failure.  Rather, it shows that you recognize the need for change and that you desire some assistance in making that happen. 

How to Save Your Marriage

Marriage can be full of joy, but it can also be full of pain.  For some couples, it seems the joy has been gone for so long that it is impossible to ever get it back.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  When it comes to how to save your marriage, there are a lot of things you can do to start getting your relationship back on track.  But you must be willing to look at yourself and make the necessary changes.  Change isn’t easy, but if how to save your marriage is really a priority for you, then keep reading. 

What are you bringing to the relationship?

One of the first things you need to do when it comes to how to save your marriage is to sit down and make a list of what you are actually contributing to the relationship.  This is not a list for things like making money to pay the mortgage, or cleaning the house, or doing the grocery shopping.

Rather, in what ways are you making the relationship good or bad?  Are you constantly nit-picking at your spouse’s short-comings?  Do you express heartfelt appreciation frequently that your spouse is in your life, or for the wonderful things your spouse does for you?  Are you supportive? Do you listen when your partner needs to talk about something that is bothering him or her?  Are you loving and affectionate? 

Your marriage is like a bank account.  You are either making deposits into it or withdrawing from the account.  If you are mostly making withdrawals, the bank account will eventually run dry.  You must be making plenty of deposits also if you learning how to save your marriage is important to you. 

Is your marriage a two-way street, or must everything always be on your terms?

Some people don’t know how to be in a relationship without trying to control it.  If you are the type of person who has to have everything happen on your terms, then you are not only being incredibly selfish, you are also treating your spouse with disrespect.  And maybe your spouse has put up with it for a long time, but if how to save your marriage is a concern for you, chances are it is because your spouse has had enough. 

A marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a dictatorship in which one person calls all the shots and expects the other to “obey”.  Attempting to control your spouse will usually foster resentment.  Your spouse is a separate human being whose wants and needs may not always coincide with yours.  Compromise is essential to a good marriage.  Honoring and respecting his or her feelings, wants and needs instead will go a long way towards creating a healthier, more loving relationship.

Are you being passive-aggressive in your marriage? 

While controlling behavior is very destructive to a relationship, passive-aggressive behavior is as well.  Passive-aggressive individuals attempt to get their needs met in very unhealthy ways.  Rather than speaking up and expressing their true needs or feelings, they say one thing and then act in a way which subtly or not so subtly contradicts it, usually in an attempt to get back at the other person. 

For example, a passive-aggressive wife may tell her husband its fine if he wants to spend the day golfing with his friends.  However, in actuality she is not happy about it all and decides to get back at him by “accidentally” putting a new red shirt in the wash with his underwear as she does laundry that day.   Needless to say, this is also destructive to a marriage and defeats the goal of how to save a marriage.

These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you are worried about your marriage.  The only person you can change is yourself, so if you are wondering how to save a marriage, you must start with making changes in how you interact with your spouse.  As you make positive changes, you will likely find that your spouse does also.

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How to Save a Marriage

You probably never thought it would happen, but you found yourself having an affair.  You never meant for it to happen, but it did.  And now you are wondering how to save a marriage after breaking your vows.  You love your spouse and you know it is going to be devastating to her (or him).  But many couples do get past this.  And the first place to start is admitting to it.  If you don’t and she finds out from someone else, it will definitely be much worse. 

Before you do tell your spouse about the affair, you need to first be honest with yourself as to why it occurred.  Sometimes the real reason isn’t so obvious.  Your spouse is certainly going to want to know why, and part of knowing how to save a marriage is determining why you (and your marriage) were vulnerable in the first place. 

When you talk to your spouse, the more prepared you are to truthfully answer this question of “why”, the more able you will be to address the underlying issues.  If you don’t answer it honestly, or if your spouse senses in any way that you are not, then that will only make things worse.  So really take the time to try to understand the real reasons first.  Honesty and openness in this situation will go a long way when it comes to how to save a marriage.

Something else you need to consider before talking to your spouse, is that if you wait for the perfect time, it will never come.  On the other hand, you also want to choose a time when she is not harried, or when you are not likely to be interrupted.  Also, do not tell her when others are within ear shot.  This is very inconsiderate and disrespectful, and definitely not a good plan with regards to how to save a marriage!  Do this privately, when the two of you are alone. 

When you do finally have this conversation, you need to be straightforward.  And, if you really want to do what’s best in terms of how to save a marriage after this kind of betrayal, you need to take fully responsibility for your actions.  Don’t in any way try to downplay just how serious an affair is.  By owning up to what you did, you at least show that you care. 

Last of all, when it comes to how to save a marriage, particularly after something as serious as an affair, you must make every effort to try to understand the impact this may have on your spouse.  You have broken your vows and shattered trust.  She is likely going to be angry and hurt for awhile, and may withdraw from you or even need some time apart from you.  The more accepting and supportive you are of her needs, the better. You will need to show her that you are truly sorry in order to start rebuilding the relationship.

When it comes to how to save a marriage after an affair, there is no easy answer.  But if you use the above as a guide, you at least have a chance.  There will be much work ahead, but many marriages do survive, and some become stronger as a result.

Help Save My Marriage

If your spouse has done something which has left you feeling extremely betrayed or very hurt, and now your marriage is in crisis.  Despite the hurt, you may be wondering to yourself, “Is there anything that can help save my marriage?”  If you are feeling this way, you are definitely not alone.  Many people struggle with that very thought every day. 

In order to get your marriage back on track though, you must start with yourself.  While you may very well have reason to feel angry or hurt, if you really want someone to respond to your plea to “help save my marriage”, you are going to have to look within.  Because if you are like so many people, your reaction to your spouse’s behavior, whatever it was he or she did, can play a significant role in whether or not your marriage survives. 

Following are three tips for what NOT to do if your marriage is in crisis and you want to save it:

“Help Save My Marriage” – Tip 1

Don’t play the victim.  It’s really easy to get into victim-mode when your spouse has wronged you. Perhaps he gambled away some of your savings, or slept with another woman.  Serious issues, yes.  But acting like a victim or getting caught up in self pity will only make matters worse.  Not only will it make you even less desirable to your spouse, you will lose his respect as well as the respect of others. 

Instead, make the choice to be a survivor.  What that means, is that you take responsibility for how you behave and react in response to whatever it is that happened.  You can change what happened, but you do have a choice in how your handle it. 

“Help Save My Marriage” – Tip 2

Don’t hold onto to your anger.  If you truly want the chance for your relationship to heal, you must be willing to let go of your anger and find a way to forgive.  It can be difficult, no doubt, but you really need to do it for you.  Often people think that forgiveness is for the other person, but it is more for the person who is forgiving.  Holding onto anger not only takes an incredible amount of energy, it also keeps you stuck. 

Also, when you forgive your spouse it does not mean that you forget what happened nor does it mean you are indicating in any way that his or her behavior was acceptable.  What it does mean is that you are willing to move forward and get past it.  When you make this choice, it takes away the power the situation had over you.  You will then be free to put your energy into repairing the relationship. 

“Help Save My Marriage” – Tip 3

Don’t judge and condemn your spouse.  When you have been deeply hurt or betrayed in your marriage it can be easy to take on a self-righteous stance and judge your partner harshly.  What you need to remember is that we are all susceptible to doing things we never imagined if we are put in the right situation.  For example, you might think “I would never cheat on my spouse”.  But many people who do have affairs also truly believed they would never do that. 

If you truly want the answer to your burning question, “Is there anything that can help save my marriage?” you really must avoid becoming judge and jury in the relationship.  You have made mistakes too and the more you can try to understand your spouse’s feelings and behavior rather than condemn it, the better chance you have of healing your relationship and making it stronger than ever.  

Save Our Marriage

Married couples often go through a period of time when they think the relationship may be starting to unravel.  If you and your spouse are in this situation, you are probably looking for solutions to the common question, “how can I save our marriage?”.  While every couple is different, there are some key things which are practically universal when it comes to keeping a marriage together. 

If you are worried about your relationship and wondering to yourself, “how can I save our marriage?”, then please keep reading.  This article will help you to understand 4 basic needs that should be met, at least to a significant degree, in a marriage.  If your marriage is in trouble, then at least one or more of these needs is not being met.  Work on these if you long to answer the question of “what can I do to save our marriage”. 

The need to be loved

Everyone has the basic human need for love.  Without it, life is empty and lonely.  For many people, just knowing they are loved and cherished by one key person, often a spouse, but it could also be a friend or family member, is incredibly empowering.  Being loved can give strength, inspiration, and purpose.  It is imperative when it comes to knowing how you can “save our marriage” that you truly show your spouse that he or she is loved. 

The need to feel significant

In a world with over 6 billion people, it is pretty easy to feel insignificant.  When two people get married, there is often an amazing sense of being truly significant and special to one another.  Like love, this feeling of significance can be energizing and empowering.  Feeling significant gives a person a sense of specialness.  Even if no one else notices, you know that your spouse knows how special and unique you are.  If “how can I save our marriage” is your concern, then you need to ask yourself if you are treating your spouse as someone who is truly significant to you.  Are you meeting that need?

The need for intimacy

We all have a deep need and longing for intimacy.  Marriage is a sacred place for both physical and emotional intimacy to be shared between you and your spouse.  When you are intimate, you shut out the rest of the world and share a closeness and bond that is very powerful.  Intimacy is that sense of connection which we all long for.  If you hope to “save our marriage”, then you must allow that vulnerability with your spouse that is part of true intimacy.  If either of you are guarded, or refuses to let the other person in, then this need cannot be fully met. 

The need to be your authentic self

Unfortunately we live in a world in which we often feel we must put on a façade or persona.  This is particularly true in our work but may also be true in many other areas of our life.  Few people are secure enough to fully be themselves with others.  But the one place which should be safe to be authentic is a marriage.  As with intimacy, if one or both of you feel you must be guarded, and can’t truly be yourself, it will hinder your relationship in many ways. 

The strongest and healthiest marriages are those in which both people can be truly authentic with each other.  In order for you to find the best way to “save our marriage”, you must find a way to eliminate any barriers in your relationship which inhibit either of you from truly being yourself with the other.

When these four basic human needs are being met within your marriage, you will no longer need to wonder “how can I save our marriage”.  Your marriage will thrive and be stronger than ever. 

Saving a Marriage

Many couples go through very challenging periods of time when they start wondering what can be done with regards to saving a marriage.  Perhaps that is happening to you and you are desperately looking for some advice.  While there are no simple answers, and each situation and marriage is different, following are some two things you can consider changing if your marriage is in crisis.  While they might seem simplistic on the surface, even small changes can make a big difference when it comes to saving a marriage. 

Not showing appreciation for your spouse

Sometimes we get so caught up in the busy-ness of our day to day lives that we forget to appreciate the things which are really important to us.  This happens frequently in marriages, especially when two people have been together a long time.  One or both people in the marriage fail to recognize just how lucky they really are to have each other until one ends up leaving or a tragedy happens.  Sadly, saving a marriage at that point is going to be much more difficult than if this problem is detected and dealt with early on. 

Take some time to consider whether or not you are doing this in your marriage.  We all long to feel important, valued, and loved.  A healthy marriage meets those needs to a significant degree.  But if you take your spouse for granted and fail to acknowledge all the wonderful things he or she does, then this may be a contributing factor to your current crisis.  Start paying attention to all the things your spouse does for you, as well as all his or her wonderful qualities.  Show gratitude and appreciation.  Doing this can go a long way towards saving a marriage which is on the brink of falling apart. 

Failing to communicate

All relationships require quality communication in order to be healthy or to get back on track when there is a crisis.  Many couples fail to really talk openly to each other.  Women often make the mistake of presuming their husband can read their mind.  Men often try to avoid challenging conversations which feel uncomfortable for them.  Over time, a lot of issues which need to be dealt with get swept under the rug but start to fester. 

If saving a marriage is truly important to you, it is imperative that you start working on your communication skills with your spouse first.  If you grew up in a home in which your parents didn’t really talk to each other, this may be particularly difficult for you.  But you can start by being the one to initiate more frequent and open conversations.  With practice and effort, you and your spouse can become much more skilled communicators. 

Sometimes in order for communication to go smoothly, you need to set some ground rules.  For example, a good ground rule is that either of you can indicate  when you need a “time out”.  Sometimes a discussion can start to get heated and if one of you feels you might say something you will regret, this is the perfect time to step away from the conversation for a short while.  You can resume talking later when both of you are calmer. 

Showing appreciation and learning to communicate well are two significant steps towards saving a marriage which is struggling or in a crisis.  Make the changes in yourself first.  This will show your spouse how much you truly care and how important he or she is to you. 

Save the Marriage

No marriage is perfect, but some certainly fair better than others.  And many marriages fluctuate between periods of things going really well and periods of struggle.  But when things get particularly bad, you may find yourself wondering what things you can do to save the marriage.  While in some cases it may take drastic measures, there are often some less extreme changes you can make which will have much more positive impact than you might think. 

If your marriage is currently going through a difficult time, read on for two seemingly small adjustments you and your spouse can make to save the marriage.  Often it’s the little things that can really make a difference over time.

Get out of the routine rut

It is very easy to get stuck in a mundane routine which begins to make your marriage feel lifeless and dull.  It happens in countless marriages because to a large degree, we, as humans, like to stay in our comfort zone.  And routines are “comfortable”.  That being said, routines do serve some purpose in terms of keeping life ordered rather than chaotic.  So there must be a balance.

If you are at a point where you need to save the marriage, it may be time to spice things up a bit and change your routine.  Decide to break your normal routine for a few weeks.  Perhaps you can agree to be more spontaneous when it comes to intimacy.  Rather than do the same activity week after week (like dinner at your parents every Thursday night) reserve that block of time and choose a different activity every week.  It will help you pull out of the stagnant pattern you have fallen into.

Don’t forget the romance!

Often when two people feel they need to save the marriage, the romance has fizzled or disappeared altogether.  When you were first dating, and perhaps even early on in your marriage, there was probably a lot of romance.  Flowers, love notes, candlelight dinners, etc. were an important part of your relationship. 

Romance is fun, exciting, and is a way to show your spouse how special he or she is to you.  Romance is also part of what separates your relationship with each other from all your other relationships in life. 

Too many couples quickly neglect this part of their relationship, especially when careers, children and household chores take up all of their time and energy.  The romantic gestures and times together dwindle or cease altogether.  Except for occasional sex, they begin practically living like roommates. 

If your marriage is struggling and you are not sure what to do to save the marriage, one of the things which can help is to start “dating” again and bring romance back into the picture.  While it may seem silly or superficial, those special loving gestures can help you begin to reconnect.  You know what things make your spouse feel special.  And that is really what romance is all about. 

If you truly want to save the marriage, work towards bringing some spontaneity and romance back into your relationship.  Not only will it make you both feel more energized and alive, it will add some much needed fun.  But most of all, those romantic gestures will help reignite the passion that was once there as you strive to show your spouse, in little ways, just how much he or she means to you.