If your spouse has done something which has left you feeling extremely betrayed or very hurt, and now your marriage is in crisis. Despite the hurt, you may be wondering to yourself, “Is there anything that can help save my marriage?” If you are feeling this way, you are definitely not alone. Many people struggle with that very thought every day.
In order to get your marriage back on track though, you must start with yourself. While you may very well have reason to feel angry or hurt, if you really want someone to respond to your plea to “help save my marriage”, you are going to have to look within. Because if you are like so many people, your reaction to your spouse’s behavior, whatever it was he or she did, can play a significant role in whether or not your marriage survives.
Following are three tips for what NOT to do if your marriage is in crisis and you want to save it:
“Help Save My Marriage” – Tip 1
Don’t play the victim. It’s really easy to get into victim-mode when your spouse has wronged you. Perhaps he gambled away some of your savings, or slept with another woman. Serious issues, yes. But acting like a victim or getting caught up in self pity will only make matters worse. Not only will it make you even less desirable to your spouse, you will lose his respect as well as the respect of others.
Instead, make the choice to be a survivor. What that means, is that you take responsibility for how you behave and react in response to whatever it is that happened. You can change what happened, but you do have a choice in how your handle it.
“Help Save My Marriage” – Tip 2
Don’t hold onto to your anger. If you truly want the chance for your relationship to heal, you must be willing to let go of your anger and find a way to forgive. It can be difficult, no doubt, but you really need to do it for you. Often people think that forgiveness is for the other person, but it is more for the person who is forgiving. Holding onto anger not only takes an incredible amount of energy, it also keeps you stuck.
Also, when you forgive your spouse it does not mean that you forget what happened nor does it mean you are indicating in any way that his or her behavior was acceptable. What it does mean is that you are willing to move forward and get past it. When you make this choice, it takes away the power the situation had over you. You will then be free to put your energy into repairing the relationship.
“Help Save My Marriage” – Tip 3
Don’t judge and condemn your spouse. When you have been deeply hurt or betrayed in your marriage it can be easy to take on a self-righteous stance and judge your partner harshly. What you need to remember is that we are all susceptible to doing things we never imagined if we are put in the right situation. For example, you might think “I would never cheat on my spouse”. But many people who do have affairs also truly believed they would never do that.
If you truly want the answer to your burning question, “Is there anything that can help save my marriage?” you really must avoid becoming judge and jury in the relationship. You have made mistakes too and the more you can try to understand your spouse’s feelings and behavior rather than condemn it, the better chance you have of healing your relationship and making it stronger than ever.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Save Our Marriage
Married couples often go through a period of time when they think the relationship may be starting to unravel. If you and your spouse are in this situation, you are probably looking for solutions to the common question, “how can I save our marriage?”. While every couple is different, there are some key things which are practically universal when it comes to keeping a marriage together.
If you are worried about your relationship and wondering to yourself, “how can I save our marriage?”, then please keep reading. This article will help you to understand 4 basic needs that should be met, at least to a significant degree, in a marriage. If your marriage is in trouble, then at least one or more of these needs is not being met. Work on these if you long to answer the question of “what can I do to save our marriage”.
The need to be loved
Everyone has the basic human need for love. Without it, life is empty and lonely. For many people, just knowing they are loved and cherished by one key person, often a spouse, but it could also be a friend or family member, is incredibly empowering. Being loved can give strength, inspiration, and purpose. It is imperative when it comes to knowing how you can “save our marriage” that you truly show your spouse that he or she is loved.
The need to feel significant
In a world with over 6 billion people, it is pretty easy to feel insignificant. When two people get married, there is often an amazing sense of being truly significant and special to one another. Like love, this feeling of significance can be energizing and empowering. Feeling significant gives a person a sense of specialness. Even if no one else notices, you know that your spouse knows how special and unique you are. If “how can I save our marriage” is your concern, then you need to ask yourself if you are treating your spouse as someone who is truly significant to you. Are you meeting that need?
The need for intimacy
We all have a deep need and longing for intimacy. Marriage is a sacred place for both physical and emotional intimacy to be shared between you and your spouse. When you are intimate, you shut out the rest of the world and share a closeness and bond that is very powerful. Intimacy is that sense of connection which we all long for. If you hope to “save our marriage”, then you must allow that vulnerability with your spouse that is part of true intimacy. If either of you are guarded, or refuses to let the other person in, then this need cannot be fully met.
The need to be your authentic self
Unfortunately we live in a world in which we often feel we must put on a façade or persona. This is particularly true in our work but may also be true in many other areas of our life. Few people are secure enough to fully be themselves with others. But the one place which should be safe to be authentic is a marriage. As with intimacy, if one or both of you feel you must be guarded, and can’t truly be yourself, it will hinder your relationship in many ways.
The strongest and healthiest marriages are those in which both people can be truly authentic with each other. In order for you to find the best way to “save our marriage”, you must find a way to eliminate any barriers in your relationship which inhibit either of you from truly being yourself with the other.
When these four basic human needs are being met within your marriage, you will no longer need to wonder “how can I save our marriage”. Your marriage will thrive and be stronger than ever.
If you are worried about your relationship and wondering to yourself, “how can I save our marriage?”, then please keep reading. This article will help you to understand 4 basic needs that should be met, at least to a significant degree, in a marriage. If your marriage is in trouble, then at least one or more of these needs is not being met. Work on these if you long to answer the question of “what can I do to save our marriage”.
The need to be loved
Everyone has the basic human need for love. Without it, life is empty and lonely. For many people, just knowing they are loved and cherished by one key person, often a spouse, but it could also be a friend or family member, is incredibly empowering. Being loved can give strength, inspiration, and purpose. It is imperative when it comes to knowing how you can “save our marriage” that you truly show your spouse that he or she is loved.
The need to feel significant
In a world with over 6 billion people, it is pretty easy to feel insignificant. When two people get married, there is often an amazing sense of being truly significant and special to one another. Like love, this feeling of significance can be energizing and empowering. Feeling significant gives a person a sense of specialness. Even if no one else notices, you know that your spouse knows how special and unique you are. If “how can I save our marriage” is your concern, then you need to ask yourself if you are treating your spouse as someone who is truly significant to you. Are you meeting that need?
The need for intimacy
We all have a deep need and longing for intimacy. Marriage is a sacred place for both physical and emotional intimacy to be shared between you and your spouse. When you are intimate, you shut out the rest of the world and share a closeness and bond that is very powerful. Intimacy is that sense of connection which we all long for. If you hope to “save our marriage”, then you must allow that vulnerability with your spouse that is part of true intimacy. If either of you are guarded, or refuses to let the other person in, then this need cannot be fully met.
The need to be your authentic self
Unfortunately we live in a world in which we often feel we must put on a façade or persona. This is particularly true in our work but may also be true in many other areas of our life. Few people are secure enough to fully be themselves with others. But the one place which should be safe to be authentic is a marriage. As with intimacy, if one or both of you feel you must be guarded, and can’t truly be yourself, it will hinder your relationship in many ways.
The strongest and healthiest marriages are those in which both people can be truly authentic with each other. In order for you to find the best way to “save our marriage”, you must find a way to eliminate any barriers in your relationship which inhibit either of you from truly being yourself with the other.
When these four basic human needs are being met within your marriage, you will no longer need to wonder “how can I save our marriage”. Your marriage will thrive and be stronger than ever.
Saving a Marriage
Many couples go through very challenging periods of time when they start wondering what can be done with regards to saving a marriage. Perhaps that is happening to you and you are desperately looking for some advice. While there are no simple answers, and each situation and marriage is different, following are some two things you can consider changing if your marriage is in crisis. While they might seem simplistic on the surface, even small changes can make a big difference when it comes to saving a marriage.
Not showing appreciation for your spouse
Sometimes we get so caught up in the busy-ness of our day to day lives that we forget to appreciate the things which are really important to us. This happens frequently in marriages, especially when two people have been together a long time. One or both people in the marriage fail to recognize just how lucky they really are to have each other until one ends up leaving or a tragedy happens. Sadly, saving a marriage at that point is going to be much more difficult than if this problem is detected and dealt with early on.
Take some time to consider whether or not you are doing this in your marriage. We all long to feel important, valued, and loved. A healthy marriage meets those needs to a significant degree. But if you take your spouse for granted and fail to acknowledge all the wonderful things he or she does, then this may be a contributing factor to your current crisis. Start paying attention to all the things your spouse does for you, as well as all his or her wonderful qualities. Show gratitude and appreciation. Doing this can go a long way towards saving a marriage which is on the brink of falling apart.
Failing to communicate
All relationships require quality communication in order to be healthy or to get back on track when there is a crisis. Many couples fail to really talk openly to each other. Women often make the mistake of presuming their husband can read their mind. Men often try to avoid challenging conversations which feel uncomfortable for them. Over time, a lot of issues which need to be dealt with get swept under the rug but start to fester.
If saving a marriage is truly important to you, it is imperative that you start working on your communication skills with your spouse first. If you grew up in a home in which your parents didn’t really talk to each other, this may be particularly difficult for you. But you can start by being the one to initiate more frequent and open conversations. With practice and effort, you and your spouse can become much more skilled communicators.
Sometimes in order for communication to go smoothly, you need to set some ground rules. For example, a good ground rule is that either of you can indicate when you need a “time out”. Sometimes a discussion can start to get heated and if one of you feels you might say something you will regret, this is the perfect time to step away from the conversation for a short while. You can resume talking later when both of you are calmer.
Showing appreciation and learning to communicate well are two significant steps towards saving a marriage which is struggling or in a crisis. Make the changes in yourself first. This will show your spouse how much you truly care and how important he or she is to you.
Not showing appreciation for your spouse
Sometimes we get so caught up in the busy-ness of our day to day lives that we forget to appreciate the things which are really important to us. This happens frequently in marriages, especially when two people have been together a long time. One or both people in the marriage fail to recognize just how lucky they really are to have each other until one ends up leaving or a tragedy happens. Sadly, saving a marriage at that point is going to be much more difficult than if this problem is detected and dealt with early on.
Take some time to consider whether or not you are doing this in your marriage. We all long to feel important, valued, and loved. A healthy marriage meets those needs to a significant degree. But if you take your spouse for granted and fail to acknowledge all the wonderful things he or she does, then this may be a contributing factor to your current crisis. Start paying attention to all the things your spouse does for you, as well as all his or her wonderful qualities. Show gratitude and appreciation. Doing this can go a long way towards saving a marriage which is on the brink of falling apart.
Failing to communicate
All relationships require quality communication in order to be healthy or to get back on track when there is a crisis. Many couples fail to really talk openly to each other. Women often make the mistake of presuming their husband can read their mind. Men often try to avoid challenging conversations which feel uncomfortable for them. Over time, a lot of issues which need to be dealt with get swept under the rug but start to fester.
If saving a marriage is truly important to you, it is imperative that you start working on your communication skills with your spouse first. If you grew up in a home in which your parents didn’t really talk to each other, this may be particularly difficult for you. But you can start by being the one to initiate more frequent and open conversations. With practice and effort, you and your spouse can become much more skilled communicators.
Sometimes in order for communication to go smoothly, you need to set some ground rules. For example, a good ground rule is that either of you can indicate when you need a “time out”. Sometimes a discussion can start to get heated and if one of you feels you might say something you will regret, this is the perfect time to step away from the conversation for a short while. You can resume talking later when both of you are calmer.
Showing appreciation and learning to communicate well are two significant steps towards saving a marriage which is struggling or in a crisis. Make the changes in yourself first. This will show your spouse how much you truly care and how important he or she is to you.
Save the Marriage
No marriage is perfect, but some certainly fair better than others. And many marriages fluctuate between periods of things going really well and periods of struggle. But when things get particularly bad, you may find yourself wondering what things you can do to save the marriage. While in some cases it may take drastic measures, there are often some less extreme changes you can make which will have much more positive impact than you might think.
If your marriage is currently going through a difficult time, read on for two seemingly small adjustments you and your spouse can make to save the marriage. Often it’s the little things that can really make a difference over time.
Get out of the routine rut
It is very easy to get stuck in a mundane routine which begins to make your marriage feel lifeless and dull. It happens in countless marriages because to a large degree, we, as humans, like to stay in our comfort zone. And routines are “comfortable”. That being said, routines do serve some purpose in terms of keeping life ordered rather than chaotic. So there must be a balance.
If you are at a point where you need to save the marriage, it may be time to spice things up a bit and change your routine. Decide to break your normal routine for a few weeks. Perhaps you can agree to be more spontaneous when it comes to intimacy. Rather than do the same activity week after week (like dinner at your parents every Thursday night) reserve that block of time and choose a different activity every week. It will help you pull out of the stagnant pattern you have fallen into.
Don’t forget the romance!
Often when two people feel they need to save the marriage, the romance has fizzled or disappeared altogether. When you were first dating, and perhaps even early on in your marriage, there was probably a lot of romance. Flowers, love notes, candlelight dinners, etc. were an important part of your relationship.
Romance is fun, exciting, and is a way to show your spouse how special he or she is to you. Romance is also part of what separates your relationship with each other from all your other relationships in life.
Too many couples quickly neglect this part of their relationship, especially when careers, children and household chores take up all of their time and energy. The romantic gestures and times together dwindle or cease altogether. Except for occasional sex, they begin practically living like roommates.
If your marriage is struggling and you are not sure what to do to save the marriage, one of the things which can help is to start “dating” again and bring romance back into the picture. While it may seem silly or superficial, those special loving gestures can help you begin to reconnect. You know what things make your spouse feel special. And that is really what romance is all about.
If you truly want to save the marriage, work towards bringing some spontaneity and romance back into your relationship. Not only will it make you both feel more energized and alive, it will add some much needed fun. But most of all, those romantic gestures will help reignite the passion that was once there as you strive to show your spouse, in little ways, just how much he or she means to you.
If your marriage is currently going through a difficult time, read on for two seemingly small adjustments you and your spouse can make to save the marriage. Often it’s the little things that can really make a difference over time.
Get out of the routine rut
It is very easy to get stuck in a mundane routine which begins to make your marriage feel lifeless and dull. It happens in countless marriages because to a large degree, we, as humans, like to stay in our comfort zone. And routines are “comfortable”. That being said, routines do serve some purpose in terms of keeping life ordered rather than chaotic. So there must be a balance.
If you are at a point where you need to save the marriage, it may be time to spice things up a bit and change your routine. Decide to break your normal routine for a few weeks. Perhaps you can agree to be more spontaneous when it comes to intimacy. Rather than do the same activity week after week (like dinner at your parents every Thursday night) reserve that block of time and choose a different activity every week. It will help you pull out of the stagnant pattern you have fallen into.
Don’t forget the romance!
Often when two people feel they need to save the marriage, the romance has fizzled or disappeared altogether. When you were first dating, and perhaps even early on in your marriage, there was probably a lot of romance. Flowers, love notes, candlelight dinners, etc. were an important part of your relationship.
Romance is fun, exciting, and is a way to show your spouse how special he or she is to you. Romance is also part of what separates your relationship with each other from all your other relationships in life.
Too many couples quickly neglect this part of their relationship, especially when careers, children and household chores take up all of their time and energy. The romantic gestures and times together dwindle or cease altogether. Except for occasional sex, they begin practically living like roommates.
If your marriage is struggling and you are not sure what to do to save the marriage, one of the things which can help is to start “dating” again and bring romance back into the picture. While it may seem silly or superficial, those special loving gestures can help you begin to reconnect. You know what things make your spouse feel special. And that is really what romance is all about.
If you truly want to save the marriage, work towards bringing some spontaneity and romance back into your relationship. Not only will it make you both feel more energized and alive, it will add some much needed fun. But most of all, those romantic gestures will help reignite the passion that was once there as you strive to show your spouse, in little ways, just how much he or she means to you.
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